Disney is reportedly in talks with MTV for the naming rights to ‘16 & Pregnant’ for an upcoming fairytale to follow the remake of ‘Parent Trap,’ where a princess purposefully has a kid to marry her prince, in their new line of believable movies.
Kick some ass, friend!Yes, if nobody laughs I will kick everyone’s ass after the show. By the next show everyone will laugh regardless - sort of like when people star my tweets - or the venue will be empty. Thanks for the advice, buddy.
I let work consume my life a little too much in August and I got out of the habit of doing stand up, so I told myself there would be no excuses this month.
I just watched hours of videos of some of my favorites to help me get back in the groove.
I find my style to be similar to Anthony Jeselnik with a little hint of Mitch Hedberg. Now, no way am I saying I am as good as them, but I think my material sort of is in the category. Other people I enjoyed tonight; TJ Miller, Dan Mintz, Nick Thune, and Hannibal Buress.
I watched an interview and listened to a podcast interviewing Jeselnik and I was inspired more than I imagined. I would love to make it big, but that is very rare; as long as I make people laugh, more often than not, I will be happy and consider it a success.
So… I just got the txt “your clean, right”….
so I was like “my clean what?”
And she was like “ARE YOU clean??”
And I was like “yeah, I just got out the shower!”
And for some reason she got all mad and txt “do you have any fucking STDs?”
So of course I was like “hell no, please don’t tell me this is a now u have herpes txt… I just got rid of those!!”
“your fucking kidding right????”
So of course I was like “its you’re not your, but yes”
“Your such an asshole!”
God this girl is dumb… glad she was atleast cute
If I had the most amazing singing voice, I would vow to only use it to sing my daughter to sleep.
If you’re literally on fire & talking to your dog, I’ll have to ask you to film that.
I can’t get a good angle while holding the camera myself; it keeps coming out looking like the Kim and Ray J tape. You’re going to have to take my word on this one.
I feel so funny now. I’m going to hurry and tell my dog a joke while I’m on fire. brb
I engraved that name in the side on my computer desk because I knew I would need to quickly reference it in the near future; I was correct. I can’t believe your name really is Arnold Stallone. You must be the coolest, most feared soccer player, ever!
Do you put war paint on your face and wear camouflaged soccer gear while running around the field saying awesomely fitting one-liners with an Austrian accent and curled lip each time you kick the ball? “Get in the goal.” “This is how I get my kicks.”
What instrument do you use to murder me?
I would grab a Texas Instruments TI-83 and put ‘187’ on the screen for a little old fashioned foreshadowing. Next, I would grab the nearest snare drum available to start playing the civil war marching cadence to let you know I mean business. After my hands were covered in blisters from sounding like I went on tour with Motley Crue, I would head into the kitchen for a quick refreshment break. While in the kitchen I would most likely come across a butchers knife and pick it up.
All of a sudden you will hear and see me returning from the kitchen yielding a large knife over my head and yelling like Mel Gibson in that scene from ‘Braveheart’ because I had just felt a spider crawl up my leg. I would run to you and you would hold me and comfort me telling me things are going to be okay. Upon regaining my composure, I would remember my initial mission and push you off of me while I wipe the tears from my cheeks. Before you were able to sit back up I will have promptly pressed the start button and used a green shell to hit you - for some reason you used Princess, as you always seem to choose - and I would feel bad for taking out a female. This rage would transfer to real life and my eyes would fill with hatred towards you as I grab a harmonica and serenade you with hours of songs which remind you of your grand-pappy who used to beat you with a wooden shoehorn. These memories would make you so sad that you run into your bedroom and do the only thing that makes you feel better; you pop in your Kenny G cassette and cry yourself to sleep.
While you are away, I would finish the Gold Cup circuit and win a first place trophy. Being the gracious winner and gentleman that I am, I take picture of the screen, enlarge them, and print them a million times to plaster all over your house. The next morning when you return from your bedroom, you will come across the visual evidence that your 22 year Mario Kart win streak has come to a screeching halt and your body will begin to melt like a Vampire in the sunlight.